Subject: For your continued enjoyment

From: "David E. Bernholdt" <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 12:25:11 -0500

Il Destino di Grant Application  
A Tragic Opera in Three Acts  
by Lloyd Fricker  

Cast (in order of vocal appearance):  

Alfredo, a professor ........................................ Baritone  
Wu Li, a postdoc ............................................ Tenor   
Kathy, another postdoc ...................................... Alto  
Nicolette, Alfredo's secretary .............................. Soprano   
Adriana, Alfredo's wife ..................................... Soprano  
Bubba, Alfredo's son ........................................ Tenor  
Julieta, Alfredo's daughter ................................. Soprano   
Stephano, Scientific Review Administrator ................... Bass  
Doug, Grants Technical Assistant ............................ Tenor  
Erminio, another professor................................... Bass  

Act I, Alfredo's Office:  

The curtain rises on Alfredo in his office; nearby, his postdocs, Wu
Li and Kathy, are hard at work on a manuscript that has been rejected
by Nature. In a dramatic opening aria, the researchers lament the fact
that the journal reviewers found their manuscript unexciting ("Il
reviewers sono molto stupidi"). Nicolette, Alfredo's secretary,
arrives with a box of grant applications that Alfredo, as an NIH
reviewer, must evaluate.  Alfredo opens it, and finding only 12
applications, rejoices. He is joined by the two postdocs and the
secretary in a quartet extolling the virtues of having but 12
applications to read ("Il lighto loado"). Their happiness soon turns
to sorrow, however, as Alfredo discovers a note indicating that he is
to be the primary reviewer on an additional 18 applications that will
arrive at a later date ("Il grande boxo di granti"). The four lament
the twist of fate, Murphy's law, and the Peter Principle. Alfredo,
grieved that he will have no time to spend with his lab group or
family for the next six weeks, departs sadly homeward bearing the box
of applications.

Act II - Scene 1, Alfredo's office (one month later):  

Alfredo is still hard at work on the applications, having completed
only four.  He sings a sad aria: Stefano, the Scientific Review
Administrator for his study section, wants the triage list of
applications that didn't make the cut by the next day ("Il listo di
crappo"). At that moment Nicolette enters bearing an envelope from
NIH. Believing it contains yet another supplement, Alfredo tosses it
onto a pile and searches for his place in the application he was
reading. Just then, Wu Li enters with some important data that must be
published immediately, before competitors beat them to it.  They sing
a dramatic duet ("La publicazione o il scoopo") in which Alfredo
regrets that he cannot help write the article as he must read 26 more
applications before the study section meeting next week. As Wu Li
leaves, Alfredo returns yet again to the grant application, only to be
interrupted by Kathy. She is distraught that she hasn't gotten a raise
in the two years she has been with Alfredo. He promises her a large
raise if his own application is funded, explaining that he is waiting
for the summary statement ("Il sheeto pinko"). After their duet, Kathy
leaves and Alfredo returns once again to the application. A minute
later, he jumps from his seat and snatches the envelope he had tossed
hastily onto his desk, as he realizes suddenly that it is actually the
long-awaited summary statement ("La posta junko il sheeto
pinko"). Trembling, Alfredo tears open the envelope, then lets out a
cry upon seeing the score, which is clearly not in the fundable
range. He sings a moving aria lamenting the lack of sufficient funding
for basic science and his own unfortunate lack of success ("Mio granto
es finito").  Unable to concentrate any longer, Alfredo goes home.

Scene 2, Alfredo's home (later that night):  

Alfredo arrives home and finds Adriana, Bubba, and Julieta overjoyed
that he has returned before they have gone to sleep. Their happiness
is short-lived, however, as he confesses the cause of his surprise
homecoming. They are not sympathetic to the fact that only a small
number of people actually get their grant applications funded, and
dismayed that Alfredo's application was considered only "excellent"
("Papa es un nincompoopo"). Disheartened, Alfredo sits at his desk and
begins to read another application. Just as at work, however, he
cannot read for more than a minute before being interrupted - now by
his wife and children.  After a couple of hours, Alfredo has nearly
finished reading an entire page. Unfortunately, he falls asleep before
reaching the next one.

Act III, A Holiday Inn in Valhalla, home of the Gods and Goddesses of NIH:

The scene opens to reveal a large table surrounded by serious-looking
men and women. Alfredo is among the mortals, who have been invited to
Valhalla to decide the fate of 137 grant applications. At the side of
the room are the Gods and Goddesses of NIH: the program officers of
the various agencies, dressed in white tunics. They are feeding from a
large tray of grapes, and drinking decaf coffee. Stephano, the
Scientific Review Administrator, begins the meeting with an hour-long
aria about the grant review process and the need for confidentiality
("Non asko, non tello").  The first grant application to be reviewed
is one for which Alfredo was the primary reviewer. Alfredo likes this
application, which describes an imaginative series of experiments
concerning an important but little-studied biological question ("Se
succeede, il Nobel Prizo").  Furthermore, all its key points are
presented in a single page: the limit of Alfredo's attention span,
given all the interruptions he must tolerate.  His enthusiasm is
countered by the other reviewer in what has come to be the most famous
aria of the opera ("Non hypothesiso, non preliminary dato"). Other
reviewers join in with comments on the applicant's lack of
independence and the absence of feasibility studies, and the general
observation that the problem must not be very important or others
would already be working on it. Finally, the Grants Technical
Assistant rises and joins in the singing ("Givmi il floppi
disco"). Everybody in the room then joins in, except for the Gods and
Goddesses - who have moved from the grapes to a large table filled
with melon balls, which they eat with toothpicks - and a man in a
Holiday Inn uniform restocking the toothpicks.  When it becomes clear
that no new comments have been made for at least 45 minutes, a vote is
finally called for, and in a dramatic moment, Alfredo sings out "1.0,"
while the other reviewers vote for a worse score ("Il granto
non-competitivo"). They arrive at a consensus score of 2.0.

During the aria, the man in the Holiday Inn uniform becomes noticeably
distressed. He consumes vast quantities of coffee and finally
collapses as the application's score is announced. In a surprise
twist, one of the NIH Goddesses reveals that the man is in fact
Erminio, the applicant of the failed grant. Although fatally poisoned
by the bad coffee, Erminio sings a moving aria reflecting on the
weaknesses of the current grant review system ("Il reviewers
screwed-uppo"). The opera ends with the reviewers placing Erminio's
lifeless body in the boxes that held the discarded grant applications,
and covering him with glossy photos of his data. As the curtain is
lowered, one reviewer comments that it's a good thing the application
wasn't given a really bad score, or who knows what the applicant would
have done ("Il Unabombo").