Subject: For Laughs

From: [email-masked] (Farhad Oroumchian)
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 14:05:06 -0400

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The Speech President Clinton Should Have Given.
     Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her.  I banged
     her like a cheap gong.  Which is not news, folks, because if you think
      Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
     haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried
     to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
     they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
     Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't
     appreciate Hillary... I do.If not for the ice-water coursing through
     her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope,Arkansas,
     and she'd be married to the President.
     So, let me set the record straight.
     I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater
     property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the
     travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom
     like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval
     Ofice.
     Got it? Good!
     Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
     was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
     out to
     be a good move on your part.
     Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball
     player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who
     thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
     Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
     Alzheimer's he came in with.
     There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,
     smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
     Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept
     of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San
     Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
     Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
     to American society was Agent Orange.
     And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around
     long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
     "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
     White House.
     Which brings me back to my point.
     Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
     government is doing more for less.The budget is balanced for the first
     time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press
didn't
     seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind
     felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is
higher
     than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust,and anyone with a degree
     from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to
     ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat,instead of where his or
     her next meal is coming from.
     Bottom line:
     I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
     What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...
     unless,
     of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to
     discuss
     it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and the kind of
     life
     you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
     Presidential limousine.
     God Bless AMERICA. Thank you

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