LAFF A DAY - Saturday, November 20, 1999 Laff A Day Site ------------------------------------------------------------ Greetings Laff Lovers, It's Friday morning and I'm home sick. I have the worst bug ever... at least since the last time I got sick. This one is a traveling bug. It started with a terrible sore throat then moved to beat the hell out of my body, and now it's reeking havoc in my chest and head. As we speak I am home alone, on the couch in my heaviest sweats, wearing the wool socks my dad gave me, wrapped in a blanket, typing, and drinking Granny's Bayou Brew. My wife's grandmother has a plant in a jar for every sickness imaginable, and she's pretty diligent about keeping us supplied. Trouble is I don't know which jar is for the flu. So I just boiled a few leaves from every jar in Granny's cupboard and ended up with the most vile and bitter tasting tea since the first Chinaman decided to boil a root. Now I think I'm going to die from poisoning. If I do die please email Lewis and tell him what I was drinking, I don't want everybody thinking I committed suicide. Then ask him to contact my wife and tell her to sue the shit out of her grandmother for killing me. Mortally, TZ mailto:tz@laffaday.com P.S. Yesterday Joe used a link for the new Daily Groaner newsletter that did not work. That problem has since been corrected, so if you're interested please try again at: http://www.shagmail.com/sub/sub-groan.html ------------------------------------------------------------ A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady." She paused and said," yes?" The bird said, "you know." ------------------------------------------------------------ **------- Do You Believe In Angels? -------** Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as Guardian Angels or Archangels? Take a special video journey to explore what has become known as "angelogy" and look at this phenomenon from religious, social and psychological points of views. Gain an inside look to people who claim to have had angel encounters. http://www.pulsetv.com/catalog/pulse2/G30191501:P75207623 Click Here to Order Angels Messenger of God ------------------------------------------------------------ Q. If there were 4 potatoes in a room, which one would be the prostitute? A. The one that's labeled "IDAHO" ----------------------------------------------------------- "The NBA's Washington Bullets will be changing their name to avoid being associated with an image of crime. So from now on, they're just going to be known as the Bullets." - Jay Leno ------------------------------------------------------------ HAVE YOU VISITED ShagMail.com TODAY? Head on over... there's some NEW stuff... like Tarotscope, Word A Day, Mrs. Alphabet, Clean Laffs, Garden Guides, The Daily Groaner, and so much more. ShagMail.com now has over 40 FREE email newsletters for your every interest. Pick as many as you like - FREE! Visit ShagMail.com ------------------------------------------------------------ You know you're Italian when: 1) You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you. 2) Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monte Carlo. 3) Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives. 4) You consider dunking a cannoli in an espresso a nutritious breakfast. 5) You are a card-carrying V.I.P at more than 3 strip clubs. 6) Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your tank top to the beach. 7) At least 5 of your cousins live on your street. 8) A high school diploma and 1 year of Community College has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts. 9) You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. 10) 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "Pronto" when answering the phone. 11) Somewhere on your parents' property, there is a bathtub Madonna. 12) You build your house with 3 materials.... brick, brick and wrought iron. 13) You have at least one sister that went to Beauty School. 14) It is impossible for you to talk with your hands in your pockets. ------------------------------------------------------------ Want to advertise in Laff A Day? 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